jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
