I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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