i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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