I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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