I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
