my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
