I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
