I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
