LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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