I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
