Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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