It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
