bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
