You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
