thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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