Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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