Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
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Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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