You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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