ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Can you bring me the toilet please
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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