why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
