my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
