I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
