i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
