dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
