I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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