Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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