how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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