how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
