It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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