So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
