It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
