the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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