Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
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You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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