Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
