textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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