I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
