saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
NoShamevember. You game?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
