I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
