I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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