remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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