I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
These tits shall not be calmed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
