im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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