I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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