Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
