I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
