there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
