Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
