my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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