i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
