So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
