My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
it's like iHOP with fire
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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