I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
