I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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