You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
