I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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