apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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