she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
