She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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