i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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