I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
