I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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