Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
